What a girl Wants

Oh, it was a small feat, but I was happy to see Denny liked broccoli with his Mac n' Cheese. He seemed to hit it off with Dad, too.

Yes, I was all smiles through dinner. We'd made some quick, ham steak. Still it was fullfilling the daily requirements of a real meal.

Xander on the other hand, was being a bit cross. Or silent.

Denny, was all smiles. He helped set the table, even helped with the clean up. I was really glad he was here. Xander, not so much.

"What about us?" He whispered in my ear. Maybe I acted as if I didn't hear. Didn't mean to. Perhaps, my heart was really going out to Denny. But I could see Xander had his wants and needs too. Although, it was confusing to consider.

They both needed a home.

"When is the last time you even talked with your mother?" I winced.

"Can't remember." He slightly scowled as he dried a dish and put it away while Denny rinsed for me.

"Or won't?" I shot back.

"Can we not discus this now?" His scowl was getting bigger.

"Yeah, sure." I nodded. Listening to Denny talk about his favorite shows and what he'd like to be when he grew up.

"I want to fly planes." He informed me.

"Wow." I smiled. Possibly a bit enthusiastic. Still I was thinking, should we call the police? Was their Mom all right.

Just then Dad asked Denny if he knew how to ride a bike. Denny nodded with a smile.

"Well, I think I have just the thing, then. Want to go to the park?" He asked. My dad loved to work on old bikes. I on the other hand wasn't much for them, but at least he had someone who was excited about this sort of transportation.

"Finally, we're alone." Xander's eyes brighten. I couldn't help but smirk.

He kissed me as if it were the only thing to do. A bit unexpected, as he pushed me against the kitchen counter. I pushed him off before he got ahead of me. It was really so rushed and not as ravishing as he possibly hoped. At this rate my first time would be a quickie that would just be a race that I'd miss totally.

"Why are like this?" OK, stupid question perhaps. I needed a breath. At least think this through.

"I don't think you want me." He quickly told me as if he needed me in his arms, pressing a bit much. I pushed him off.

"You really think you should be thinking this, right now." I winced.

"You're letting my little brother get the best of you." His eyes opened wide. Now he acted as if there was some sort of jealousy.

"Are you for real?" I laughed at him now as I slid my way out. "You are really something." I shook my head. Honestly, I didn't know what to think. But the silence hung on as I finished up the dishes.

"Your mother is gone. Aren't you worried?" I winced thinking how could his mind only be on one thing.

"I don't think about it." He shrugged. At least, he wasn't in that ripped Tee now.

"Why not?" I looked back at him.

"Please, just give me a chance..to..be..to have this." His lashes fluttered as if he really needed a break from being his little brother's keeper.

How could I say NO?

I kissed him then. Slower, with the assurance that I would be here for him.

What a girl Wants

Xander's place really wasn't a home. More like a motel room.

I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. Old pizza boxes stacked up. The stench of dirty socks. No mother. No father. But then maybe they were at work. Except this was a one bedroom, and there was Denny watching a DVD. I don't think they had cable.

He was dirty mouthed, but had a precious mop top of hair that hung mostly in his eyes. There was something about that dazzling smile of his that I was certain would be the guy every girl would smile back at, some day. He was a happy kid. Yet, Xander was instantly sad around him.

It was a little strange, seeing Xander's place.

"So, what's going on?" Apparently, there was a lot more going on than what Xander wanted me to know.

"What do you mean?" He looked at me as if he was pretty used to this.

I bit my bottom lip thinking Xander could clean up pretty darn well when he wanted too. But evidently this was the mess that he came home too.

"You do have parents, don't you?" I didn't mean to put him on the spot, but this place needed to be cleaned up.

"Sure." He glared at me, but his face was a bit soured. Was he possibly glass eyed.

"Xander? You can tell me." Oh, there was no magic spells going on. This was reality I was checking out.

"OK, my Mom left for Des Moines, a month ago." He gritted. "And..and well, um..I'm hoping she takes care of the rent."

I couldn't believe it was that bad.

"And you weren't going to tell me?" I winced.

"Well..." He winced. "You hardly know me. And..and.." He closed his eyes and turned away. "I just don't want to think about it. She was looking for work." He sighed. "She took the car. I dunno. I think she found someone and..and she's left us." He whispered then as if he didn't want Denny to know. "Lisa helps out with him, when..when she can."

This was the Lisa I thought was his girlfriend. But she was only a neighbor.

I crossed my arms. Our so called movie night was looking rather slim, I thought.

"You'll come over tonight?" I asked.

"Sure." He seemed happy that maybe I'd forgotten about his dilemma.

"Then..then bring Denny too." I sighed. "Dinner is at six."

"What? No. He can go to Lisa's." Xander acted as if he needed some alone time. Evidently, with me.

"No, I want him to come over with you." I looked over at Denny thinking he needed a real home cooked meal.

What a girl wants

One kiss.

OK, it was quite a kiss. It was one of those..why don't I take your breath away so you can stay with me. Now.

I did not like being taken quite this way. Besides, he smelled of grass, and sunscreen and of the earth. Perhaps.

A swear a shiver shook me. Like a wake up call. I don't think I'd ever been quite that close to his face.

I thought I smiled. Sort of.

Xander was gone before I could say anything. And my hands were on the wheel. It took me a moment to get a grip. A tight grip. The car was still running.

Should I go? I blinked. A grandmother with two small children walked by. I could have ran over them. Silly me. I needed to think. I needed to figure this out while I was in the Library pickup lane.

But the kiss was fresh on my mind. It was as if everyone else had a place to be to go. And there I was stuck in the car.

Yet it wasn't long. Here he came back. Got in with a DVD he had on hold.

"Submarine." He held it up. "Its your favorite movie."

"Why are you watching it?" I wasn't sure if I got what he meant.

"Because, I thought you wanted to see it." He smirked.

"Right now?" I winced. Didn't I have clothes to wash? A dinner for my Dad to think about?

"I dunno. Maybe. Anytime with in the next seven days." He shrugged. I guess he didn't want to have an overdue.

I put my car in drive. It was time to be back to normal. What do you do after you've had a moment? So the little red Fit lunged forward, I took my left.

"Maybe tonight." I nodded.

He smiled as if he might be surprised. I smiled too as if it were something we could do in unison. Maybe we weren't a game anymore.

"But could I come over." I didn't mean to put him on the spot. "You know, when I drop you off." I was going to find out where Xander lived.

"All right." He didn't sound to happy though. "I guess. But you won't stay long, right?"

"Guess not." I was driving from where I came. I just wasn't sure which street he lived on, nor how close his house was to my house.

"You'd have to meet my little brother." He sort of frowned.

"You have a little brother?" I smiled. "How little?"

"He's starting second grade. And he's a pain in the ass." Immediately, Xander looked peeved.

"He can't be that bad." Now I was smiling as he gave me the directions. I sighed, thinking just what sort of little monster did Xander live with. Was his little brother the reason why I hadn't seen him?

What a Girl Wants

Sometimes, I just blow my mind away. As if it were a passion, these ideas I get in my head. Yes, most definitely I do enjoy my own company.  Not that I've admitted this to anyone, but myself. Sometimes, I'm just not the best friend to have. And I know, you're thinking..HOW SELFISH.

Not that I want to be a burden to anyone. And I was so close to Aidan fixing me up with a blind date.

Me? A blind date. I shook my head, no. I lied. I told him I was seeing someone. Sort of. I said that too, as if I didn't know if it were special or not.

There we were, among the stacks, looking at books about how to make the most of The Bedroom. As if I could build shelves alone. Ha! But I was interested. Just not in the blind date.

"Did Xander call?" Aidan asked as he pushed his dark artsy glasses in place. As if he'd get a good gaze at me to confirm I was a liar.

"No." My laugh was a little much. "Its ..just..some..one..I met..." I looked around the plush seating area. All mod in a retro sort of way. Of course, I couldn't say I knew if those couches were that soft. The library was empty. "HERE."

"Like who?" Aidan was just full of questions.

"How's Marla?" I needed to change this conversation fast. I took the picks he thought I'd need if I wanted to transform my room into a place I'd never want to come out of.

Oh, he was full of info about Marla and her travels, her volunteering, their plans before college classes started up for fall. It went on and on. All I needed to do was smile and nod. And I did.

"Well, I gotta go." He checked his phone. Naturally, she needed him somewhere. Not here at the library.

"OK." I was still faking happy for his sake. Its easy though to be happy around Aidan.

"You let me know how it goes..with..what was his name again?" Aidan backed away with a wave and his messenger bag slung over his shoulder.

"Who?" I looked at him blankly.

"I'm fixing you up." He informed me, pointing his finger at me.

"NO, no ..no you're not." I shook my head. Still gritting a smile as he left. I plopped the thick books on a table then. No way was I going to do anything to my room..which was kind of pit right now. I lived in a closet. Practically. And somehow, things found a place on the floor.

I had to be thankful Aidan never came over. If he did, he only made it as far as the kitchen.

So here I was, on my out.. thinking I could use ice cream. Something to cheer myself up. But there was a bucket full at home in the freezer. I just needed to get home. Besides, I'd finally gotten my INBETWEENERS in the mail. I would just have a date with myself and Simon.

And that was on my mind as I pulled out of the library parking lot in my little blue FIT. But as luck would have it, ROAD WORK was ahead, so I had to take a side street. Only, I wasn't alone, from up the hill someone was coming down it. I could hear the roar of skateboard wheels hitting the pavement. But the sun was in my face. So I stopped. SPLAT.

There was a human bug on my windshield. Luckily the windshield didn't crack and there was not blood. Just someone looking at me as if I'd scared the crap out of him. Until he got off the windshield just to tell me I'd hit him. That wasn't true.

"YES! YOU DID!" He informed me. All a sweat. There he was at my car door. He was still standing. I had no idea where the skateboard went.

"But..I didn't really hurt you." It wasn't like there were any broken bones, nor blood. He hadn't even fallen. He'd just flung himself on my windshield. It didn't even break.

OK, so a wheel came off his skateboard which he had to find under my car. And then I noticed, it was Xander, and he smelled like summer. Fresh cut grass and sun screen. Not at all, like I remembered. His Tee-shirt was ripped on the sides, which gave a whole new meaning to sleeveless. It was really aggravating that I could see his abs. What was the point of that shirt?

"What are you doing here?" I winced as if I couldn't think of him living this close to my house.

"I was on my way to the library." He told me.

A part of me wished I'd waited at the library for him, but then again, we might not have a conversation at all. He seemed like the silent type at the moment. I felt I needed to keep up with the silence somehow.

"Well..sorry." I managed to say as I saw him standing there barefooted on the street with his messed up skateboard. "Do you need a lift?"

He got in. I kept thinking I should ask something like, "Why didn't you call?" But it didn't seem like there was a point. We were practically strangers, again.

Actually, I was not at all happy now. No way  could I fake it on the drive back to the library. But somehow I managed.

It was good to move forward. I would not look at him. Besides, I'd caused one accident, already. Although, I didn't think it was entirely my fault.

"Would you, wait for me?" He asked as we got to the drop off lane at the library.

I intended to say. "Well..I don't think its really a good idea ..but if I must...and you know, it would be such a long walk and all..I guess..I could..."

But he kissed me before I could say anything.

What A Girl Wants

"The important thing, Paris," Aidan looked at me as if I knew what to do. "You have to decide what you want."

"Do I?" I looked at him brightly and might have been more silly than usual. Naturally, he looked as artistic as ever. Just in his chinos and some artsy Tee that Marla made him. Yes, things were perfect for those two.

He brought by some pamphlets from the art school. As if I'd be going there in the fall.

Yes, once upon a time, I thought so. I thought it would be.. I bit my bottom lip. I wanted to be closer to him. Which was foolish. Wake up and smell the coffee! Or the burnt blueberry muffins, in this case. I scurried to the kitchen, jerked them out with the old oven mitten.

I squinted a face. The muffins weren't completely burnt, but the edges were so brown. So much for my Martha Stewart skills. I'm sure she'd tell me I needed a new oven mit for starters. I slapped it down on the kitchen counter, feeling defeated.

"Oh, so how did that date go?" His question came out of the blue as I looked to see how Aidan stared at my mess.

"Good." I didn't smile though. It was actually hard to say. I mean, it was not really a blind date, yet he hadn't tried to frisk me, either. I just didn't really know Xander. I might not ever know him. I had to admit that. That was like 2 weeks ago. I had a feeling I was history.

"We should, all get together. The four of us, sometime. You know, a movie, or something." Aidan's grin was small, but confident. He looked pretty cool in those nerdy glasses of his.

"I dunno." I sighed as I tried my best to rescue the muffins from the pan. Even then, they landed in the plate a bit broken, and blueberry bruised. "I don't think it was, you know, a date. We had. It was ..more like. I dunno." What could I say? Nothing.

"But he was nice to you." Aidan looked at me serious as if he wanted to know. Like maybe he'd kick Xander's ass if he wasn't.

"Yeah." I winced as if it was fine. "But, you know." I cleared my throat. "He hasn't called. I mean, its not a big deal." I wasn't looking for my Prince Charming. It was after all a bit of a fluke. Me, thinking..I'd like what he had with that girl at the library..when all a long, I didn't want to be like a sister to him..or did I?

I hugged myself as if it was really OK. I was not going to dwell on Xander. But I was pretty sure I hadn't put a spell on him. He'd put one on me.

What a Girl Wants

It was a date. A date I couldn't get out of with Xander. Not that he was completely putting pressure on me, but he decided he'd come over.

I squeezed my eyes tight. What had I done? Still, I didn't want to wish myself out of it. Not like it was a major commitment. It would be more like a test of some sort. See just what sort of charisma I did have going on. Was it evil? Or dark?

I'm pretty sure I'm not like that. I didn't think ,anyway.

"Dad? How did you exactly meet Mom?" I asked as soon as I found him in the kitchen digging for a snack before dinner. He couldn't wait long enough for the pasta stir-fry that was sizzling in the kitchen.

"Its kind of foggy." He told me with kind of a laugh. "Sort of like a dream, perhaps." He looked at me with little smile as if he might be remembering something sweet. Now, those days were long gone. It was as if she'd slipped away from our lives. She wished to be alone.

I couldn't help but think... perhaps she'd put a spell on Dad and she couldn't deal. Maybe she never really loved him, but he was so endearing and I knew he still loved her. I could even feel it. Especially, the way he was toward me. He never said bad things about her. 

"Oh." This brought me back to the reality of Xander. I was putting myself in the same sort of position. Now wasn't I?

That is ..if...my mother is actually a witch. Which meant, I was a witch too.

But there were no dark demons honing in.. on taking away this foolish power of mine.

Suddenly, I felt like an idiot. I did not have any power. Over anyone nor anything. Besides did my dog ever listen to me when I told her to sit? Or did the cat ever scoot when he was in the good spot on the couch.

Suddenly, I felt so stupid. How could I think I was really special? Obviously, I wasn't.

Yet, perhaps I wanted to plunge deep in oblivion. Especially, when Xander showed up early.

Yes, he was there just in time for dinner. Dad was jovial about the matter. And I'd made enough for three people. It was...like magic.

There I went again. But I swear Xander's smile was intoxicating. And honestly, I couldn't even remember what that girl looked like at the library that I'd seen him with.

"But, but what about your girlfriend?" I needed to know, as we were getting ready to watch the DVD he'd brought over.

"What girlfriend?" His wince was infectious.

"You know? At the library?" I was trying my best not to fall for his smile nor his essences, there on the couch.

"Oh, her." He shrugged. "She's like a sister to me."

Suddenly, I felt comfortable with Xander. I wished things were amazing for Aidan and Marla, too. Sigh of relief as I popped a fluffy kernel of popcorn in Xander's mouth.

When we cuddled, it felt like old times. Although, it was very new.

What a girl Wants

What was I doing? Thinking up something like that to wedge between Aidan and Marla.

No. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't. It was not right. Besides, Aidan was happy with Marla. Had to be.  I had to keep my mind on something else. But what?

Would we ever get out of the library? I guess I'd have to take the first step. Make this work? Was that it? Or not work. That was it. I drew a breath as if I didn't want to face the consequences ..if..if perhaps I accidentally messed things up for Aidan and his love life.

"Whats wrong, Paris?" Aidan squinted as if he knew something was on my mind as we headed toward the door.

"Nothing." I could barely look at him. Afraid, I'd will something I'd regret. I looked away and saw a young couple chatting over a DVD they were going to check out. They looked as if they adored each other's company. So close. Their body language told a story that they were happy together. "I want what they are having." I know, it sounded like today's special, perhaps.

I faked a smile, looking back at Aidan.

"You're so funny, sometimes." Aidan chuckled as if I was too overly romantic. Maybe he was right. Maybe I should be in my room discovering what real magic was all about in books and spells and such. Instead, here I was trying to be me, but wondering if I had an inkling of who that someone might be.

Next thing I know, the stranger who I'd wished on was trying to get my attention. He came over to ask me what I thought of the movie WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER. Had I seen it? Was it a good date movie?

"Do you want to come over and watch it with me tonight?" His question took me by surprise. I didn't know what to say.

"Sorry, I haven't even introduced myself." He was full of laughter. His name was Xander. I looked over his shoulder. His girlfriend was still eyeing DVDs, oblivious to our conversation.

"Uh.." I hugged myself not quite sure what to say. It stung me. What had I done? Was this really what I wanted?

Aidan didn't look back. I didn't go after him. I guess I'd have to fix the situation at hand. If I could.

What a Girl Wants

OK, I must be stressing over nothing. I must be. After all...

1. Aidan has a girlfriend. She's in college. He's in college.
2. Why on earth would he see me anymore than that girl who lived all her life next door to him.
3. I'm like a little sister to him. Sort of. Ugh..I so hate that thought now.

So he has a laugh about what I told him. And he keeps smiling. It was almost like having a moment. Almost. I mean, I got this strange sensation that he might really have had the same dream I had. And that maybe..just maybe it was an out of body experience for him too.

I flick my hair behind my shoulder. I keep looking at him as if he really is important to me..because..well, he is.

I always felt safe around him. Even if he had a nifty nicotine habit all these years. Still, I'd linger when he'd drop me off at my school. He'd lite a cigarette after I would get out, just so he wasn't endangering me.

Of course, what if I was endangering him? What if I really had powers. Powers I should be afraid of. What if..I did turn him into some stead...and..and he didn't change back?

I'd feel so awful, you know. I don't want to have anything to do with that kind of power. I don't. I really wouldn't want to hurt Aidan.

This makes me so sad. I feel really ugly. And why..why did my mother name me Paris?

Oh sure, her favorite city in the world. Where is she now? Not here. She left Dad and me a long time ago. I hardly remember her. Dad won't speak of her.

This happy thought of Aidan is turning into a frown now. I do not want to be my mother. I couldn't dare to live with myself. Could I?

Suddenly, we are back to US. Me, hugging myself listening to the wonders of Marla, the accomplished artist. I wonder if its a competition sometimes? Two artists together? Could it be that perfect? I don't want it to be perfect.

As I watch Aidan pack his art supplies, I begin to wish it so. I've never done this before. Its never felt this strong before. But I do. Its as if I think it through like a daydream of some kind. That maybe things aren't so perfect between Aidan and Marla.

What a Girl Wants

I'd felt weird lately. It wasn't like a cold. But still..strange. Like, having dreams where I woke up in someone else's body. Go figure.

Usually, that is not me. There is nothing supernatural about my life. But this was someone who had power over people. I think. I'm not sure. The dreams were kind of fuzzy. But I was doing things. Possibly, bad things.

"Like what?" Of course, my best friend in the world Aidan wanted to know. We always talked. I kind of wished I hadn't brought it up at the moment. Especially, at the library. After all, he was the helpful one. Helping with the decorations of the summer reading program. In fact, he was busy with a mural on the YA wall. Comic book yet Anime inspired. He was artsy that way. And I was just there, watching. Feeling as if this might be a dream too.

"Oh, you don't want to know." Why did I bring it up? I couldn't get weird on him. But then again, he knew I was kind of weird. He knew all about my adventures in dating. How online outings had only meant a boy who thought he was Tom Cruise with long hair, while in fact he was more Jason Schwartzman that turned out to be gay.

 "You are gonna laugh." I was a bit giddy. Could have been about the dream, or the fact that Aidan was in the dream.

"Come on, Paris, you can tell me." He was all smiles as he cleaned his hands of paint on his finger tips. "You know, you are dying to tell me."

I shrugged with a grin. We were simply friends. Honestly, we were. I didn't want to change that. I really didn't. I bit my bottom lip, thinking I'd give him an edited version. I gritted then, wondering if I should make the whole thing up, and yet..it felt like a certain epiphany I should hold true to myself. I bit my bottom lip.

"I had this dream I was on a horse. It felt so real." Even my limbs felt shaky thinking about it. As if I really did have the beast between me all night long. It was as if I'd been one with nature. Completely. I sensed the moist soil beneath me. How the cold damp wind wrapped around me to hold me steady going through a very errie forest.

I sucked in a breath. How in the world could I tell him that it was him I'd turned into a stallion of some kind.