Oh..no..what am I doing? Really? I should be Paris by now. Anywhere, but here, but I can't go. I just can't.
I felt the anguish in the pit of my stomach. I really felt like the lose screw, a third wheel. Why am I doing this to myself?
OK, I hate my Dad. I really do. I can't bring myself to tell Bex about those feelings. Hell, I can't discuss any of this shite with her. Its like a poison, you know. I really feel sick about it, but I think I'm in love. And what can I do about it? There is nothing I can do about it.
And its just sick, watching all this happiness around me. Now, Pip's abandoned me.
I dunno what she was expecting. I was going to be her lover? Yeah, I knew there would be something to pay to make my way here. But not that. And I really couldn't get it up for her.
Look, I want to forget it. We did cause each other a lot of distress. Trying to ..you know..make it happen.
But I couldn't. And I know my days are numbered. I can't just hang out. Forever. Some gap year this has been.
Yet here I am, with Bex and her mates. And that boy of her's is treat'n me like I'm one of them. It really isn't true. Only here I am, playing my part at the bomb fire.
All these couples. Then the gypsy bringing food. God, must I share a tent with those two?
Oh, we mingled quite a while and I'm on the edge, listening, eating, drinking. Hoping not to be the outsider, once again.
So when night came to turn in and they've all made their way to something sweet and sexy in their tents, I'm stuck with the Gypsy and his girl.
"You two take it. I can sleep by the fire." I told them. Maybe I'll hike to the nearest pub and get myself a drink or two.
"Oh, we couldn't." Geo looked at me, as if they'd outstayed their welcome.
"Nonsense, you two can share a bedroll, now can't you?" I look him in the eye. I'm pretty sure he gets lucky every night with this bird.
Geo sighed with a smile. "If you insist."
"I do." I shook on it as if we might be best mates now. I need one. I truly do. Besides, what is he to Bex? I see how she looks at him. She's just as silent to him as she is to me.
So there I am, but the fire is at its last flame. I contemplated for a while, wondering where is all this going?
Can't be in love with my sister forever. What if she's secretly in love with me, too? That's what this is all about. She can't speak to me..because she knows it must be wrong, too.
God, I never ever thought I'd be part of some sick V.C. Andrews tale. Can't be like that.
I shut my eyes tight. God, the humidity, it really could rot out any man's lust. And then the rain came.
"Jesus!" My teeth started to chatter. Now Autumn would have to arrive.
I can't quite remember her name. Bex's Asian friend saved me from being soaked.
"What's gotten into you?" She furrowed her brow. All cloaked as if she might no the key to my problem.
"What?" I winced, thinking why would she care.
"You weren't that crazy about Pip, you know."
"Yeah." I looked at her in the moon-light of her tent. It smelled of jasmine and mint green tea.
I'm thinking by now, we should pack it in. Evidently, no one thinks a little rain is worth the bother.
She pulled my damp shirt over my head. This couldn't be an invitation to something. But a chill somehow makes me laugh. Its a small laugh and yet something grows.