I want to say everything is better. I want to say its true, but I’m wondering if its just a lie I’m trying to believe.
At the library, I can not understand why they put up with this Audrey. For weeks now. WEEKS. She’s constantly late. And she’s such a liar. She looks at me like I’m some poor little rich boy.
AND that is so not true. It isn’t. OK, I’m not poor, but far from rich. We are just regular people. I mean, my mom doesn’t have to work, but she’s really busy with the school board and PTA and women’s garden clubs and you know, THE GREEN TEAM (thats about recycling and stuff) Then there is my older brother Aidan who lives in San Diego with his wife.
Someday I will live in San Francisco with my husband. Now if I could just persuade Derrick to move there with me when we get out of high school.
So yeah, I’m doing the music thing with him. We went to one of Topher’s concerts. You know, Topher as in Josie’s ex.
I dunno if Derrick likes the guy or not. I mean, he was was so nice to the dude, then he turns around later to tell me how much he hated Topher’s music, but he says he wants to be in Topher’s band.
Sometimes, I’m just in Limbo.
But I think I want it to happen. Me and Derrick. Full on..I can’t say it. I think it’ll be making love.
And yeah, I was all set. I was. I dunno what got into me at 8 in the morning. I was going over to his house..and you know..WAKE HIM UP..but instead I got a very interesting conversation with Josie instead.
We were in the kitchen and she was tumbling on tumblr on her netbook. She had a doctor's appointment to go too.
ME: So..um..all is good? Right?” (I hadn’t talked to her in like a century. We never get a chance to be alone..not with Derrick around.)
JOSIE: Just peachy. (but I don’t think that’s true. She slammed her netbook shut as if I might peek in to see her watching porn. Probably boy on boy..if I’m guessing..OK..that’s what I’d do..maybe). I suppose things are just lovely with you and your boyfriend. (That envy in her voice. Why is she like that?)
ME: I wouldn’t..exactly go that far. (I squinted hard thinking I wanted to talk about work. Well..almost work. I guess..and I did. I told her all about miserable Audrey and my plight of not being where I wanted to be on the library food chain.)
JOSIE: You mean..(She wanted to stay on the subject of Derrick..as if he were my whole life and the other stuff was just extra) Look..(she sighed as if she didn’t really want to bring it up) Maybe..maybe you don’t want to be the girlfriend.
Now that stung me. What was she getting at? Derrick and me? I’m the girlfriend? God, it made me nausea. What would she know?
I wanted to shut the sound off my ears when she told me how..it really was..with her and Derrick. I wonder how hard I squinted..not wanting to hear they..weren’t having intercourse...when it happened.
I feel so disgusted. I’m not sure who I feel the most disgusted with. Her. Him..or me. I think shes more brave than I am.