Friday, July 8, 2011
Monica knew she wasn't that drunk. Not really. Honestly, she knew what drunk felt like. And it wasn't this. Definitely, not this ...with Jared.
She stared at herself in the mirror in her room now. It rushed back to her. Even now. And she smiled, thinking this was all she wanted to dream about. Everytime, she shut her eyes. She only wanted to see him. Feel him. Be a part of him.
But as it were, he was a part of her now. It was a shock. Had they done that? Together. In the daylight. Not even fucking Toby Ellis had seen her in the daylight. She just did not let anyone see her, that way. She liked the dark. Not even candle light. Naturally, with Toby it had been in a pinch in the back seat of his car many moons ago when she was just 14... when she wanted to be like everyone else.
It was not her favorite experience. Losing her virginity to Toby. Oh, the name sounded honest and sweet, but he was anything but. He had lots on the side and she was evidently, one of them. She got slapped in the girls restrooms, over that little incident.
Now happiness turned to sadness as she thought of how it had hurt dignity more, back then. But this was now and she couldn't help but wonder what mystery Jared was talking about.
"God, please don't let me be the other woman." She just wanted a simple equation. The two of them. That was all. And..well, if they got lucky, and she got a degree in library science and he went to work for some environmental company..then if they waited long enough..it could be three. Not that she wanted a baby anytime soon. But yeah, she knew from the moment she saw Jared..yes, she wanted to be the mother of his children.
Now she swelled a frown, as if she were asking too much. But then, she remembered him. There at the lake. It had happened. She didn't want to think how stupid that probably was. It was throwing caution to the wind. Well, the wind got caught of her bra, and she guessed it was in the lake, somewhere.
But she let bliss come over her. Oh, he was a drug. A good one at that. He really did know how to take care of what illness might come about. She hadn't felt allergic to anything. She didn't want to eat. She just wanted him to call. God damnit, why hadn't he called?
Swoon. Anger. Love. It all swelled inside as if it were ready to be a time bomb. She fell into her bed. Her vintage paisley dress spread across the pale bedspread. She needed a fix about now. She did, but thought it best to call her friend Caroline on her cell, just to let her know.
"I was thinking about you." Monica said. No, she wasn't. She could hear Caroline's baby crying in the background. They never hung out much. "How are you?" Monica plastered a gigantic smile on her face hoping she could be happy. Happy to hear about Caroline and the baby and her world. But NO. Monica closed her eyes. She really could careless about a baby cutting its teeth. But Caroline was her only high school friend she had left. Monica so wanted to talk about Jared. But, she supposed that would be the selfish thing to do. Maybe it was best to keep him her secret. From everyone. Because, maybe..maybe she was just a horrible person, after all. She'd have to be strong to get through this. In her mind they had already broken up. It was over. Just like, always, she imagined. She hated getting her hopes up. Caroline kept her in a lull about her and the baby. Monica guessed things could be worse.
Posted by ellie at 1:49 AM